my mother doesn t want me to be independent

Hijacked by her commanding home visiting doctor recently to bellow at me your mother says she has depression & inappetance due to the tension between you & your father. Commanding me to be in the same room as her in my home & me unmasked!!! So Anonymous you getting any life insurance when your mother dies? Our relationship is a gas. Just Fucking Complaints! Mine taught me not to speak up about my needs or insist upon my wants. She was so consumed with my cheating father that she could think of nothing else but her own pain. I felt so ashamed when I (in pure desperation) started googling Why do I resent my mother?. The day she dies will be the greatest day of my life. Usually keep phone contact up very frequently except sometimes when I just cant because my anger overwhelms me. It is very hard to realize that she is no longer that person, but instead, has withdrawn into her own little world. Anon youre doing a terrific job (two half days a week!). I feel like I dont entertain her enough or provide for all that she would like. If you decide to help her and feel angry for it, that is on you. Because I love her even if she doesnt love me. But, she can totally fend for herself. Thank you so much, I felt so alone and disgusted with myself for the terrible feels of anger and resentment I have towards my 94 year old mother who has been living with us for the past 5 years. I was also an only child and a daughter and after 20 years as a single parent of 4 , now handcuffed to my nearly 95 year old mother. They struggle daily with guilt over how they feel and feelings dont make you a good or bad person, they make you human. Older parents might do better to try to understand and address the childs concerns. Also, she eats only the gooey inside of a wedge of Camembert and leaves the rind for others. I see and know mothers that I wish I couldve had. Scan this QR code to download the app now. I go to court for them! The silent treatment is an adult tantrum. You do whatever you have to do to get your own life in order so that you are able to cope better with the situation you are in, but you NEVER, under any circumstances whatsoever bad mouth your mother again, that line you should never cross! So many posts resonate with me. Sure she kept the house clean, but that hasnt been happening for past 20 years. I feel more settled. She is early stages of dementia so short term memory is shot. The constant criticism of others, family, people on TV has been too much to bear. My fathers complaints have faded. Sensitivity is important for romantic relationships, but limited indifference is also valuable. I shake my head as she refuses to eat half the food I cook or when she does eat it has theatrics about how it made her sick, how it makes her throw up or had she just wont eat it. I did my best. I feel guilty and angry at the same time. Im obviously a hideous person. I left home in my early teens and made a good, stable life for myself. The lack of support from siblings is disrespectful and unkind. So its just me and mom and we probably both very unhappy and probably will be till she dies. Omg!!! I relate so powerfully to the upsurge of blind anger. See, Ive always been aware that I have a unique mother situation. Thank you so much for sharing! I genuinely feel sorry for her. She is attention seeking and Im at my wits end know what steps I can take. Legalize Euthanasia & stop with the doctors! So good to read others experiences and vent on here, as sure my daughter and best friend are sick of my moaning, dont feel so alone now. I asked myself why this mother-care is so disturbing and came up with a couple of reasons. Come join the CoveyClub and you get access to our CoveyConnect app and our room called The Caregivers Collective. 2. She was always a beauty. Ive often had thoughts of wishing she would just die already. Check the other answers to comments here where I placed a link to a great self-care guide. I must agree with the last comment, that was definitly a scream. Dr. Gretchen brings it back to sadness: Maybe you have always been longing to be cared for fully by her, and now that she is on the tail-end of life, it is inescapably clear that she will never care for you the way you wanted her to.. I'm 28, single, financially independent, and two . Scapegoating is a specific form of verbal abuse that permits the family to think it is healthier than it is. It took me years to realize that I was being emotionally, physically (care giving is a physical task too) and financially used, manipulated and controlled to serve her needs and ends and being the sensitive one among the three of us, I took the brunt silently, leading to deep conflict within myself. While were on the subject of families I began. Married partners tend to spend 3.3 waking hours alone together a day, but only an hour if they are parents. A bunch of spoiled brats, that think they should have everything you have got, and now. Enlist friends or neighbors to check in on the parent while youre at work Sign up for a meal-delivery service for them And take time out for what feels like self-care for you., Meditate Self-care isnt just about the spas-and-bubble baths type of thing that populates the media. Total,total nightmare,everyday I get up and take take of mother,that dear,sweet 89 year old that never gave a rats arse about me,used me as her councillor for years,complaining about my dad or my alcoholic brother,whose drinking career was financed by her,self absorbed passive aggressive narcissist,and thats just her good points eh. Don't fight fire with fire. I am looking at a 4 acre property with a 2 family and separate in law house on it just to get some distance! We have done some great discussions of that at CoveyClub and its very helpful. I want to feel okay about what I feel and then Id be okay . OMG! Shame she couldnt be one and proceeded to treat my daughter in the same ways she did me. What we can do is make sure we plan ahead for our children so they dont have to be burdened like this with us. Thank you for commenting. I bear the brunt of most of the caregiving for my 83-year-old legally blind, narcissistic mother who has borderline personality disorder. In high school I had to clean the house daily, prepare dinner, and look after my brothers, and have her bath water ready when she arrived home from work one day per week since she had a standing hair appointment. Grow up. We would be the butt of her jokes. As a child my mother was never home, she did not work, but was going to school and hanging out with her friends (she was in her 40s)not sure what she did with her time. After some time she had reasons for wanting live with me, much to my dismay. Sounds like its time for some boundary setting from your parents. Having her here has been good since we only have one house to take care of. Karen Fingerman, who was a co-author on Zarits study, suggests a different approach. Peg Streep's newest book is Verbal Abuse: Recognizing, Dealing, Reacting, and Recovering. Its just hard being a caregiver to your Mom, and thank you for sharing your experience with us. Please look for a self-care group. Instead, they made no effort to care for themselves, becoming increasingly helpless. Ive done my best to become her cheerleader instead of a burden as Ive slowly understood the damaging dynamics in our relationship. I had always been responsible one. And Im left feeling angry at myself for bringing her here. even though I care for 1 parent, the other parent profits by never caring for his wife and he has all his time as a bachelor. Ive somewhat convinced her to give home care a try because I lied and told her the neighbors called Adult Services because they were concerned about an elderly woman that couldnt care for herself. Running through the alphabet often works for me. Any way I did manage to get her into aged care when her dementia got too bad for her to refuse anymore. Maybe the child has witnessed their mother behaving angrily towards others, and has mistakenly assumed that this anger is directed . I have a son who is disabled and needs me too, and she tells me he can figure out his own meal, youre helping me now! She pretends she cant do things, I do it for her, then I find out she was capable. I love my son dearly and will assist him in whatever way that allows me to remain at peace. Im talking bomb cyclone. Im going through such a tough time with my mother and reading all of these stories has made me feel so not alone in this. My mother thinks the sun shines out of her and gives her money without telling me then complains she cant have new carpet, etc. They also smell bad, having abandoned normal hygiene. Damn! She throws me out about once every few months tells me to leave get out and i remind her if i did she would end up in a nursing home for sure. Yet so many of my family members say, you know, you dont have to do this, you choose too! Oh, like that is supposed to help. I lost my husband a few years ago now Im just trying to make peace and enjoy my retirement years and Im stuck having to take care of her and my stepfather with no help from my sibling. Daughters of enmeshed mothers have no sense of themselves because their mothers dont see them as separate; deprived of emotional oxygen, they fail to flourish even though, in truth, their mothers love them, if not in ways that are healthy for them. Mom forgets her cane when I take her out in the world (she doesnt want people to think shes old, she once confessed) so she makes like an albatross on my elbow. Okay, Mom, well look into it, I said and I cancelled the doctor Id just found. I hope this might be helpful to you or to a reader. Also, have individual conversations with people who are in the same position, quite possibly any of your similarly aged friends. No, replies Dr. Gretchen, I say have the sadness AND the anger. I care for my mother 8 hours a day>Every single day. Ten years ago, I probably would have joined in the fun. They include ignoring or actively marginalizing her, being hypercritical, scapegoating, and gaslighting, among others. Caused by #1 and #2 above. I have not had any chance to live my life at all and have taken the entire brunt of my parents failed marriage. Apathetic grandparents don't play with the kids or read them stories. Thank you for this article. Thank you all for your honesty we are never alone in life!!! Am I not entitled to my own life? Get a parent used to a trusted but non-family member helping out. Im sorry for my impatience and frustration that I did little to hide. They lived in a perpetual marriage of trying to control one another and finally separated around 14 years ago. Good luck! Reviewed by Jessica Schrader. When I mentioned the business I planned to start 7 years ago, she put up a fuss. 3. What I saw as strength and courage in my mom when I was young has morphed into a total control freak. I find caregivers to be relentlessly supportive of one another and share their best solutions without forcing them upon anyone. Just mostly bad memories. Zarits advice to the adult child: Do not pick arguments. Theyve even got the grandkids going through my spice cabinet. I was able to forgive her after we had several awkward conversations later in life. And THANKYOU to all the brave & honest caregivers who responded with their own stories.. Im good at boundaries but when she falls and has to go to the ER or spend weeks in rehab, then all balance is destroyed. I mostly help my mother, but that is the same thing as helping my father and siblings. I came across this site after googling resenting having to take care of my mean Mother. This is a hard road. Hi Gabriela: this is exactly why we wrote this piece. Its so good to see that Im not alone (even as I am in the other part of the world, Argentina), that these feelings are so human. I had no Children of my own and if I did I would not subject them to the amount of needy manipulation some elderly parents subject their children too. Complains all the time. I now have multiple myeloma and have suffered greatly for the past 6yrs as its a 1% rare type.. Now heres the good bit.. Some of the suggestions are good! I ended up becoming my mothers husband, doing all the things he Vowed to do for her, Only reason im writing this, is because one day someone in my family will find this , I will leave my legacy written or told, that I was Born to Sacrifice my life to care for others, I dont hate my parents, if I did I would of abandoned them, I hate the fact that all these people in the family and they sit back and watch that I had a life until my 30s , I hate the way they think it is ok to dump all on me. One of my brothers handles it better, one even worse. She is so stubborn and continues to do things that her doctor and I advise her not to do. Not that I even care any more. Unloving mothers do not, by and large, exhibit these behaviors either reliably or consistently, if at all. Shes taken care of me since I was 8 months. You see you in the future when you look at her. While these parents believe they are doing the right thing, they are actually hurting their children by shielding them from life. As many on here, stumbled across this page when googling for advice after getting to the end of my tether. The doctor said mothers recent xray show no fractures/breaks from recent fall. Her attitude at times was so nasty I gave up on the kisses/hugs (especially after one cheek kiss she remarked to me Judas was betrayed by a kiss. To all of you applauding Miss Anon here: youll get old sooner than you ever thought possible. Im sorry but oh so grateful to know Im not alone in my feelings towards my mother. And when that moment comes you will regret posting this, Please get back to me and let me know how things proceed. When I finally sit down to take a rest, she notices a rubber band across the room on the floor and demands that I get up and pick it up now. Toxic relationships have three main stages: idealizing, devaluing, and discarding. But once our children left the nest it started to change. When I expressed my distressed emotional situation in February, she said you think youre depressed? Not surprisingly, adult children were more likely to say their parents were acting stubborn than the parents were to see the behavior in themselves. She is a 90 year old with dementia who only wants/ has, me. Its compassion more than shame, Im fairly certain, that has led me to write anonymously here. I have both a set of questions for you and some suggestions. In both their presence and absence, a mothers behaviors shape a daughters development. Im pretty sure stepmother has absolutely no idea how I feel and thinks our relationship is okay and normal, she never listens to me and talks about herself or gossips or people on soaps if I ever try and talk about myself or even my daughter, I dont know how my dad put up with her for so long and realise now how dumb and useless she really is.
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